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JOKE OF THE DAY |
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staples 
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Joined: 30 July 2012 Location: london Status: Offline Points: 29 |
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 Topic: JOKE OF THE DAYPosted: 25 March 2019 at 21:45 |
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An HR manager is interviewing a woman for a position in his company, 'If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?' he asks. The candidate responds, 'Definitely the living one.'
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staples
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Posted: 26 March 2019 at 21:25 |
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A Brummie is driving through the Welsh mountains when he is stopped by a policeman for speeding.
'I was only doing 40 miles an hour, officer' he says. 'That's all very well,' says the policeman. 'But what if mist or fog comes down?' 'Well', says the driver, sarcastically, 'I'll take Mister Foot off Mister Accelerator Pedal and put it on Mister Brake Pedal...' 'Would you mind stepping out of the car, Sir?'
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staples
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Posted: 27 March 2019 at 22:01 |
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A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, breaking it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. 'Officer, look at the damage to my car...' he whines. 'You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,' replies the officer. 'You're so worried about your stupid car, you haven't even noticed your left arm was ripped off'. 'Oh my God!' replies the lawyer... 'Where's my Rolex?'
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staples
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Posted: 28 March 2019 at 21:58 |
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A Norfolk man sees a farmer walking a pig and notices that the animal has a wooden leg. Curious, he asks the farmer how the pig lost its limb. 'Well,' says the farmer. 'One night the wife and me were asleep when the pig spotted the house was on fire. It broke down the door, ran up the stairs and dragged me to safety, then it went back and carried out my wife. Then it went back a third time and lead my four children to safety. We'd all be dead if it wasn't for this pig.' 'So did the pig get its leg burned in the fire?' asks the man. 'Oh, no,' says the farmer. 'But when you've got a pig like this, you don't eat it all at once.'
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huffee
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Joined: 31 July 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 62 |
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Posted: 01 April 2019 at 03:24 |
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As Staples hasn't posted anything today I thought I would jump in with a joke of my own.
What is light, white and sweet and hangs from trees? A meringue-utan.
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staples
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Posted: 01 April 2019 at 22:47 |
I am absolutely happy to see other members posting here. For one thing I am running out of jokes and secondly, I am sure no-one would care less if there were more than one joke on here every day  Today's offering:- What's ET short for? It's because he has little legs.
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staples
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Posted: 02 April 2019 at 22:34 |
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A lady discovers her dog is not moving. She calls a vet who, after a brief examination, announces her dog is dead. 'Are you sure?' the woman asks. 'Isn't there the slightest chance you can revive him?' the vet thinks for a second then leaves the room and returns with a cat. The cat walks over to the dog, sniffs it from head to foot, looks at the vet and shakes its head. 'I'm sorry,' says the vet. 'Your dog is definitely dead.' Satisfied that the vet has done everything possible the lady asks for his bill. 'That will be £1,430.' the vet replies. The lady is astonished. 'I don't believe it,' she says. 'What did you do that cost £1,430?' 'Well,' replies the vet. 'It's £30 for a call-out fee, £100 for the consultation, and £1,300 for the CAT scan.'
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staples
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Posted: 03 April 2019 at 23:19 |
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A man swallowed all the tiles from a Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will eventually sort itself out, just not in so many words.
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staples
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Posted: 04 April 2019 at 23:37 |
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Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere and developed callouses all over his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, while his odd diet gave him bad breath.
He was a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
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staples
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Posted: 07 April 2019 at 23:59 |
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A man walks into a pet shop, where he sees a talking dog for sale. After chatting away to it for ten minutes he decides to buy it. Later he takes it to the pub and says "I bet everyone £5 this dog can talk.' A number of people take the bet, but the dog stays silent, and the man is forced to pay out. Puzzled, the many takes his dog home, where it promptly starts talking again. So the following day the man returns to the same pub and bets everyone £10 his dog will talk. To the man's astonishment the dog clams up and just stares up at him, without so much as a whimper. After paying out again, the man takes the dog home and on the way he says 'I'm taking you back to the shop, you're absolutely useless!' 'Wise up,' says the dog. 'Just think of the odds we'll get tomorrow.'
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huffee wrote: